


I'm still here

by TuttiFrootie



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bonding, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, F/M, Family Issues, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, Masturbation, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Trauma, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:41:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28553283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuttiFrootie/pseuds/TuttiFrootie
Summary: BPD!Reader meets Komaeda and they slowly become friends. They talk about hope and encourage each other.
Relationships: Komaeda Nagito/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Usually I write dramatic fics and what not but I often just feel empty. So it's easier to write about that.

You open your eyes and look to the side on the crinkly, white bed. There is a person there. It all came to you. Last night you had slept together, but you didn't even know him.  
You look down at him and feel nothing.

Loud chatter and obnoxious yellow neons. You shuffled with your CV for a little bit on the crowded bus, looking out the icy window. You were dressed quite nicely and deep down hoped someone might've noticed you. A confession on the bus? You chuckled. These things never happen. Even though you always think of them. 

You were pretty, you thought. Sometimes you thought you'd end up alone. Or kill yourself even before meeting anyone at all. Sometimes you'd look over at the people on the bus and suddenly imagine your life with them. Like that boy with white hair.

He bumps his elbow into you while making his way through the crowd, muttering a soft "Sorry." Physical contact. And what a nice smile. You smile back widely, half-heartedly hoping the conversation would go anywhere. He looks suddenly anxious and the silence is settling in.

"Is this your stop?" You offer, seeing how he doesn't seem daring enough to make any moves.

"Ahaha, yeah!"

You're surprised. Amongst the vividly mundane crowd, he looks almost delighted. Delighted to hear words he did not expect. 

"Uh, well, this is my stop. I have to go now. Bye!"

With a palm in the air and a bright smile, he stepped onto the pavement and the doors automatically close.  
You kept looking at him through the glass, wondering if you were ever going to see him again. You lean your head against the door and your breath condenses onto the glass.

Now you were back home from your interview. It went decently well and there's a chance you'll get the job, even though you have no experience. It's quite exciting, you think. Maybe something will change. Maybe you'll meet a cute boy at work. As you lie in bed, your phone in hand, you feel hopeful. You were already an adult. Your future is now.

The first day on the job is petrifying. Waitressing wasn't your first option, but it was a good place to start. Still, talking to people was just as difficult as you imagined it would be, but you were trying to hold it together. It was worse when people pointed it out to you. You just got kind of angry and ignored it.

It was a bit disappointing that your coworkers weren't very attractive. Most of them were girls anyway. You should've learned by now! People are just people wherever you go. It's only your attitude that changes. 

It's not as life changing as you thought it would be. Weeks pass as you're starting to settle into your new routine. School, work and laying in bed. Until one day you spot a familiar mess of white hair sitting at one of the tables.

You peek at him from behind the bar as one of your coworkers serves him a coffee. He looks about your age and he's browsing through his phone. You suddenly feel very intimidated. After a while you kind of stopped caring about your appearance too much, because even when you did put in the effort, your clients wouldn't really initiate, so what was the point?

Rough looks aside, would he even recognize you? It's not like you had much to go by either. You continued carrying out your orders at the counter, pushing buttons on a screen and thinking about what you should do.

You didn't have much to talk about with him, but you wanted to! It's always disappointing, but... You should give it a shot.  
One quick trip to the staff bathroom later, to fix your hair and check out how you look in general, you approach him.

He was just gathering his belongings (a pretty fancy looking black bag and a long green jacket that didn't seem to fit him very well), about to get up and leave. You greet him with a "Hi" and he responds with a smile while sliding one arm into his coat.

"I left the money here," he said, pointing to the obviously placed notebook on the table.

You involuntarily stared him down and he seemed to do the same, unsure if he recognised you.

"Did you tip?" You asked playfully, but your words actually caused him to shuffle around nervously with a sheepish smile.

"Ahah, I'm really sorry! I went through some trouble with some robbers earlier today, so I didn't get to eat anything. Luckily, I got my suitcase back, but I didn't realize I lost my wallet on the way here."

...What is he on about?

"I know it sounds impossible, but luckily I found just enough change in my pocket to buy a coffee. So I couldn't afford to tip... Ah, sorry about that."

You scoff a little. When you teased him you didn't expect him to tell his life story. Plus, it was most likely a lie. But you decided to stick with it.

"It's fine. I think we talked on the bus one time." That definitely sounded like a lie on your part too.

"Oh. Hah, I think I remember that. I'm Nagito Komaeda. Nice to meet you."

You replied with a soft chuckle.

"So aren't you going to alert the police that you've lost your wallet or...?"

He let out a puff, like a breathy laugh, and shook his head from side to side.

"I don't need to do that. I'm pretty lucky! I can just count on my luck and everything will solve itself."

He was vaguely shaking and smiling so much... This guy was the worst liar you had ever seen. Ever.

"Uh-uh. Well, I have to go back to work now. I'll see you around."

"Wait, you haven't told me your name!"

You turn back to him and hesitantly let him in on your name, not even sure if it's the right choice. He replied with a beaming smile, hands on the table and sitting up halfway in excitement, before completing gathering his things and leaving.

You noticed it again. That overpowering reaction, filled with enthusiasm.  
You wanted to say you found it weird, but it was unexpectedly charming. He was definitely the unusual type. But, oddly enough, you seemed to resonate with that. 

After sweeping the cafe, you put on your jacket, shut the lights and locked the door. It was already dark. Now that your shift was over, you were thinking of what to do with the rest of the evening.


	2. Chapter 2

It was Sunday. You felt embarrassed, you thought. Not quite embarrassed, but... After chatting with some guy on a dating app, you were supposed to meet up. You had already postponed the date the previous day and now... There was no running away.  
'Cold feet'? You were excessively sweet in the beginning. But, for some reason, that never lasts once the person isn't there anymore. Either way, you forced yourself to dress up for the date, feeling extremely tense. You were almost late by the time you got completely ready. You looked at your reflection again. No good. You didn't want to show up. Or talk to him anymore. So you didn't.

Your thoughts shifted to that guy you saw at the café. He was definitely different from what you imagined, too. The way he spoke and his mannerisms. He was weird. Was it rude to say you were a little disappointed? It was definitely rude. But you still liked him. Maybe.  
You didn't want to hurt anyone anymore. Relationships just weren't for you. That much you understood.

You regretted not freezing the year. College was okay, but no one had told you how many useless things you'd be forced to sit through. It was really starting to take a toll on your health. Giving up would've been nice. Honestly, why not kill yourself? There was no downside. You were just a coward. You had to do it. You didn't need a strong emotion. Killing yourself shouldn't be based on a strong emotion. You should just do it. You wanted to, desperately.

But you weren't able to. Not for a while, at least. You took procrastination to a new level. Classes had been so painfully boring you just skipped all of them. You didn't know how that happened... But... Now you were pulling an all nighter trying to do a project that you had had all semester to complete. It was already past the early morning and you weren't even halfway done. You head was pounding, so you settled on going to bed and waking up early to write more tomorrow.

When you woke up, it was already afternoon and you were one hour late to class. There was no way you were going to hand your project over now. But. You had to, if you wanted to pass!  
It wasn't so much that you were going to be yelled at or whatever, but... You feared your classmates were going to laugh at you. They were going to give you a dirty look and you were going to be bullied again. Just like before. If you had one fear, that was it. That dirty, grossed out look, the rigid square desks... As soon as you entered a classroom, you became tense. Even years after you stopped being bullied. And even in college.  
When you think back on it, what happened was very strange. You took the bus despite being late, and arrived in front of the school. The school grounds were so empty. You hated that silence. It was so lonely. You opened the large metal door leading to the courtyard and-  
Your knees were trembling. You turned back and immediately took the bus back home. Now you were certain. Today was the day. Today was finally the day you were going to kill yourself. It was happening. It was so exciting. You had a vague feeling the other passengers were looking at you weirdly. You wondered if they knew, just by looking at you, what kind of person you are. But that didn't matter. Because you were absolutely certain it was happening.  
The bus stopped somewhere in a desolate part of the city. You didn't know it and there didn't seem to be other people around either. Probably because it was midday and everyone was either at work or at school. You just got off the bus. And it drove away. It's a little silly, but that felt lonely, too. You didn't know this place. Graffiti and trash next to the bus stop bench... A long river ran across the landscape.  
It didn't take very long to get to the bridge. The streets seemed deserted at this time of day. But you were certain. You had pump yourself up. You were finally going to do it. You just had to hold you breath. You didn't think about it. Your head was empty. Autopilot. This is what you've always wanted. Just reach for it. Do it.  
You did. Immediately as you flew, you realised you weren't breathing, your gaze fixed upon the flashing landscape. The air was colder in your drop. You kept looking at the water. You had to close your eyes... You suddenly deeply regretted choosing this way to go out. And then everything went dark.


	3. Chapter 3

It was normal to masturbate and Nagito was no exception. Yet something was sinking in, a lonely feeling. Nagito was sitting in front of his computer desk, enveloped in a bright blue light, against the darkness of the background. The afterglow was fading and he was slightly tired. This was an embarrassing situation, even with no one else around the house.  
The boy smiled bitterly. He had an entire marbled mansion all to himself, but he just spent all his time in his room upstairs. There was no one else home. Thankfully, the reduced size of his room somehow made him feel just a little more comfortable.

The room was quiet. He tossed and turned in bed, but he had trouble falling asleep. Nagito looked at the clock. Another day had passed. On a whim, he put on his coat and went for a walk. 

Living all alone was something he'd gotten used to, but... Dying alone made him curl into a ball and cry. He had no friends, no family, no future. There wouldn't be a single person out there that would care if he died.  
What a waste of a life. He was born to do nothing, achieve nothing and die remembered by no one. If he killed himself in public, would they notice? Would he live on in their memory? Would they spare him their pity, even just a bit?

That thought forced him to shiver in ecstasy. To think anyone would feel a shred of sympathy for someone like him! That would be an amazing experience!  
That kind of connection to another human being was just incredible...

Because of his luck cycle, he so felt alienated. Like there was no one else to share this strange feeling with. A feeling of emptiness, confusion and dread. He was looking for justifications to even keep on living. It seemed so pointless.

Days turned into years and years into more suffering. His life wasn't ever going get better. Why bother with living at all? Whatever joy you're feeling right now will inevitably disappear.  
Happiness itself is just another form of pain. If we didn't feel the need to be happy, we wouldn't suffer in the first place. Living itself is a bother, right?  
“Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never Is, but always To be blest."...  
"Man never is". *Never* is...

Nagito felt an amazing shiver run up his spine. There was an odd feeling in his throat that he couldn't explain. He found a feeling of communion through suffering.

But he wasn't sure someone like him was worthy of harbouring any kind of hope. When he looked around, he couldn't help but feel shame and envy. The world also held so much potential for joy. Successful, beautiful, popular, smart, strong people. You heard about them all the time, read about them, watched them in admiration. When he looked at himself, he felt like the scum of the earth. So stupid and insignificant.  
But it wasn't just him, right? The vast majority of the world consisted of nobodies.

"Practice breeds success" is just a lie. People that are successful don't realize how difficult it actually is to even try. Even if an ordinary person practices something their whole life, they won't leave a mark on the world like a person with talent will.  
That's right. As long as you aren't talented, your existence doesn't make a single difference on the world.

But, without talentless people, the world would be in disorder. Social hierarchy, as cruel as it may be, is necessary for stability and growth. Countries need inventors and politicians, but also workers. They're worthless and replaceable but, without them, factories wouldn't run, for example. There would be no visitors in art galleries. Suffering is an integral part of hope.  
Just like natural selection.

...

As he left the shadow of a bridge, he looked upwards at the golden light rapidly approaching. Just then, he was roughly pushed aside by a tall truck. He scraped his elbows as he fell to the ground, and suddenly heard a heavy thud. When he turned around next, he was shocked to find a person lying unconsciously on the ground. 

"Hey! Are you okay?"

He pushed and pulled at the body in desperation. Slowly, you crept your eyes open.

You hissed in pain and squinted your eyes, but you were still alive.  
"I'm... Okay." 

"Are you sure? You got hurt pretty bad."

When you took your hand off your temple, Nagito's eyes widened in an instant.

"It's you! From the coffee shop! Are you okay? What were you doing?"

You let out a sound halfway between a sigh and a whine and suddenly burst into tears, trying your best to cover your face.  
You tried to speak normally, but the words came out as small, distorted wails.

"I tried to j-jump... Ph-from the-re." Even though you wanted to, you just couldn't say the word, so you pointed upwards towards the dark bridge. "I'm, I'm sorry."

Although Nagito felt pity, he wasn't particularly surprised. After all, the hope of a normal, talentless person just couldn't hold up. It was meant to be consumed by a stronger force. Right?

"Here," he spoke gently as he pulled you up. "Can you walk?"

Through your sobs, you muttered a "yes" and took him by the hand. 

"Th-thank you..."

You felt shame. Shame that someone had seen this part of you and shame that he was so kind to you. Your discomfort only grew as he held you close to his arm and you couldn't look him in the eye. You walked slowly, limping from time to time.

You couldn't deny the thought persisted. It felt somewhat like being betrayed. At first you were glad you were still alive. But now, it was shameful and disappointing. 

The soft sound of the crashing waves alleviated the tension somewhat, but it was difficult to exchange any words. You found yourself looking at the concrete below your feet, walking as if in a trance.

Why did you want to kill yourself? After so many times, it just comes naturally, as a reflex. 'Just kill yourself'. As if there's nothing to think about.  
You looked over at the boy and pulled your arm bitterly, but it made it more difficult to walk.

He looked slightly surprised, but retreated.  
You cringe at yourself.

Why are you such a horrible person? Why do you reject the people that care for you?  
You brace yourself in shame and fear and... Tears start rolling down your cheeks again.  
He gestures like he wants to hold you. That would be so nice, so why are you afraid?

You *want* to hold him. This other human being that's next to you. So why do you assume the worst for him? Like he wouldn't understand you at all, that he thinks you're "weird"... Everything is so messed up.

You want to run away. Because now someone has seen side of you which you never share. So that you're not a bother to anyone. It feels good, in a weird way, thinking that you'll just bottle it up forever and one day wither away.  
It's an intense feeling. 

"Hey, do you want to talk about it? Maybe... It would help."

You sigh.

You've told this story a million times. Any emotion has completely left your voice now. You state matter-of-factly how your parents were rarely around, you were bullied and had to change schools and... 

It's difficult to admit, but, you're afraid of men. You don't confess the last part. He probably wouldn't even believe you, since you're talking to him right now. But... The only way that you're able to talk to him is through severing yourself from him. You won't see him again. And if you do, he's not going to tell anyone about your true self. It's just a one time thing. So it's fine. 

He furrows his eyebrows and barely speaks up.  
"I'm really sorry that happened to you."  
He looks genuinely sorry hearing your story, but he also doesn't appear surprised. Through your tears, you make out a faint smile as he nods.  
"I know the feeling."

You face him, slightly surprised. You can't deny it feels nice to have your emotions validated. Maybe he's not a bad person.  
You sketch a smile.  
"Thank you."

The boy's smile suddenly bursts into small chuckles.  
"I didn't do anything."

You look down at your feet and hesitate.  
"Your name was..." you speak slowly, dragging the last vowel.  
"Nagito Komaeda."

You're a little embarrassed, but he seems like a forgiving person.

"You don't have to feel bad about it. I know I'm not a remarkable person or anything."  
Suddenly you perk up.

"What? How can you say that about yourself? You just helped me! You're a great person!"

He giggles a little and scratches his cheek. Perhaps it was the red light from the street junction, but he looked to be blushing.

"Ahaha... Thank you too."  
He stopped in his tracks and turned towards you more seriously, though his smile remained.

"Please, take care of yourself. And if you have any more thoughts like that..."  
Nagito showed you his phone, his number on screen.  
"It's my phone number. If you need someone to talk to, just give me a call, okay?"

"Okay." 

By the time you had added him to your contacts, the light had turned green. With that, the two of you crossed the street and prepared to go your own ways.

"Here," he spoke, gently pulling you into an embrace. "Be careful, okay? Tell me when you get home."

A warm feeling builds up in your chest and you nod.  
You arrived home, threw your bag at the entrance, then sprawled over the bed in deep thought. What the hell was going on...

You quickly pulled out your phone and stared at the new contact.  
This feeling of excitement and comfort... Was it hope? Were you feeling hope? You turned on your side and continued looking at the number as your eyes grew tired and you finally fell asleep.

"I'm home now."

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if you guys like this stuff, but I'll just keep writing 'cause I find it easier this way.


End file.
